MEET THE COLLECTIVE

Introducing the TEN OF CLUBS COLLECTIVE. Under the microscope this time is our workaholic chief organiser and bearded bad uncle Matt.

For giant spiders, bird-based superstitions, near-death experiences and a whiff of Dettol, read on!

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Please introduce yourself.

Hello, I’m Matt. I'm operations manager at TEN OF CLUBS. I do the nitty-gritty jobs that keep this show on the road: paying bills on time, managing inventory and fulfilment, making sure the website works. If it involves design or creativity, someone else does it.

I also write most of the Pulitzer Prize-worthy articles in our blog, The Winchester. If the language is florid and it's hideously over-punctuated, chances are I wrote it. If there's smut in it too, I definitely wrote it.

How old are you?

Oh, that's kind! I am acutely aware I'm the oldest here. I am approaching 40. Unfortunately, from the wrong direction.

How did you come to be part of TEN OF CLUBS?

Skev asked me to be involved. He's my best mate so I said yes.

What’s the best way to start the day?

A cup of coffee. A cigarette. A satisfying bowel movement. The holy trinity.

What TV shows are you into?

I don’t watch much television. I prefer movies. But I love Rick & Morty, and Breaking Bad was excellent. I binge-watched the whole thing in a week when I had Covid.

My all-time favourite TV show is a batshit bonkers one from the 1960s called The Prisoner. It's very British, very weird, very trippy.

What quirks or peculiar habits do you have?

I have many odd habits. I talk to myself a lot. I thank household gadgets for doing what they're supposed to. Like, I'll say thank you to the toaster for making toast.

I salute solitary magpies and say 'Morning Captain, how's the wife?' I don't know why I started doing it or what happens if I don't. I'm not willing to take that risk. I have a similar ritual for crows.

What's your favourite drink?

If we’re talking booze, Guinness is like mother’s milk to me. I also drink industrial quantities of coffee.

What would you rate 10 out of 10?

Eggs Benedict. Taste sensation.

What’s your favourite smell?

Odd question. I rather like antiseptic smells: TCP, Dettol, Milton Sterilising Fluid.

Odd answer. What skill would you like to master?

Life.

What movie title best describes your life?

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

There's cheery! Which city would you most like to live in?

I don’t want to live in any city, thank you. I lived in cities – Cardiff and Nottingham – when I was at uni. I’ve scratched that urban itch. I like the village I live in now.

If you’re forcing me to move, I’ll pick Edinburgh. It’s a beautiful place and I have happy memories there.

What’s the most interesting place you’ve been to?

I used to have a job that sent me all over the world. I got to visit plenty of fascinating places, as well as a few shitholes. Probably the most interesting was visiting the North Korean border. I was in South Korea, obviously, and got to visit the ominously-named Third Tunnel of Aggression. That was cool.

It's one of the secret tunnels the North dug under the Demilitarised Zone. I wasn't on a mission, it's open to the public. The South Koreans discovered it and turned it into a tourist attraction.

The tunnel’s about 250ft underground and about a mile long. You can walk most of it. It’s just wide enough for two people to pass each other. You do eventually come to a block wall, or you'd end up in North Korea. Then you turn round and walk back again. It is more exciting than I’ve made it sound.

What’s the luckiest thing that’s happened to you?

I’ve had a few close encounters with death. Not only have I not died, I have not even been injured. I guess they were each lucky in their own life-threatening way.

I was once trapped in a burning building and had to be rescued by the fire brigade. I lived in a tiny flat above a bed shop in Nottingham. A fire broke out in the shop. By the time I smelled smoke, my escape route was cut. A fireman eventually helped me out through a very narrow first-floor window, smoked but otherwise unharmed.

I'm actually very calm in hazardous situations. I'm usually slow to realise I'm in any danger. That's probably a blessing.

What’s your proudest achievement?

That I am still alive.

What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I’ve read all the Sherlock Holmes stories many times. I love Victoriana and gothic stuff. Holmes appeals to my coldly rational mind.

Who's your go-to artist when you can’t decide what to listen to?

Tame Impala. Kevin Parker is a genius. It's an overused term, but ‘Currents’ genuinely is a masterpiece.

‘Let it Happen’ is my all-time favourite song. I have it tattooed on my arm. It resonates with me like no other song ever has. It touches me in my most intimate of regions.

What is guaranteed to annoy you?

Jeez, so many things. Beneath this mild-mannered exterior is a seething ball of barely contained rage. Like, I hate it when people talk over me. So many people seem to think conversation is just a monologue with an audience.

But what really boils my piss is when people say they're speaking 'their' truth. Not 'the' truth, you understand. No, this is somehow more important and irrefutable because this is 'their' truth. God, I hate that! I physically wince when I hear it.

What’s something you think everyone should do at least once?

Have a multi-faith orgy. Let all the religions of the world come together.

What irrational fears or phobias do you have?

I hate spiders, particularly the giant variety that keep invading my home. I encountered Huntsman spiders when I was in Australia. Ludicrously massive! Vile.

What’s something you will never do again?

Drink tequila.

Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

I don’t have any scars, apart from a chickenpox scar on my fivehead. It tells the story of where my fringe used to be before I went bald.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that turned out pretty well?

I’ve done many dumb things. Not dumb in a way that’s actually cool. Just dumb. You know, poor life choices, ill-judged romantic entanglements, etcetera, etcetera.

But all my dumb choices have led me here. Now I get to work with my best mate and a group of very talented and lovely people. I wouldn’t change it. So, taking the long view, all the dumb things I’ve done have cumulatively turned out pretty well.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

No, that’s more than enough. But I would like to thank everyone that’s helped and supported us so far, especially everyone that’s bought from us. Thank you.

Rave safe and cheerio.

November 2023

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PLAYLIST BY MATT