MEET THE COLLECTIVE

Here's where we introduce you to our fantastic team, the TEN OF CLUBS COLLECTIVE.

In the thumbscrews this time is our workaholic chief organiser and bearded bad uncle, Matt. For giant spiders, bird-based superstitions, near-death experiences, and a pungent whiff of Dettol, read on!

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Please introduce yourself.

Hello, I’m Matt. I'm operations manager and co-owner at TEN OF CLUBS. I do the nitty-gritty jobs that keep this show on the road: ordering supplies, paying bills, managing inventory and fulfilment, making sure the website works. If it involves design or creativity, someone else does it.

I also write most of our Pulitzer Prize-worthy articles in our alt rock blog, The Winchester. If the language is florid and it's hideously over-punctuated, chances are I wrote it. If there are bad jokes in it too, I definitely wrote. it.

How old are you?

Oh, that's kind of you. Thanks for mentioning age. I am acutely aware I'm the oldest here. I am approaching 40. Sadly, from the wrong direction.

How did you come to be part of TEN OF CLUBS?

Skev asked me to be involved. He's my best mate. I said yes.

Now for some random, quick fire questions. What’s the best way to start the day?

Cup of coffee. Cigarette. Satisfying bowel movement. The holy trinity.

What TV shows are you into?

I don’t watch much television. I prefer movies. But I love Rick & Morty, and Breaking Bad was excellent. I binge-watched all 5 seasons in a week, when I had Covid.

My all-time favourite TV show is a batshit bonkers one from the '60s called The Prisoner. It's very British, very weird, very trippy.

What quirks or peculiar habits do you have?

I have many odd habits. I talk to myself a lot. I also thank gadgets for doing their jobs. Like, I'll thank the toaster for toasting the bread. It seems only polite.

I also have to salute solitary magpies and ask how their wife is. I don't know what happens if I don't; I haven't risked it. I have a similar ritual for crows.

What's your favourite drink?

If we’re talking booze, Guinness is like mother’s milk to me. I also drink industrial quantities of coffee.

What would you rate 10 out of 10?

Eggs Benedict. A taste sensation.

What’s your favourite smell?

Odd question. For whatever reason, I rather like antiseptic smells: TCP, Dettol, Milton Sterilising Fluid.

Odd answer. What skill would you like to master?

Life.

What movie title best describes your life?

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

There's cheery! Which city would you most like to live in?

I don’t want to live in any city. I lived in cities – Cardiff and Nottingham – when I was at uni. I’ve scratched that urban itch. I like the village I live in now.

If you’re forcing me to move, I’d pick Edinburgh. It’s a beautiful place and I have happy memories there.

What’s the most interesting place you’ve been to?

I used to have a job that sent me all over the world. I got to visit plenty of fascinating places, and more than a few shitholes. Probably the most interesting was visiting the North Korean border. I was in South Korea, obviously, and got to visit the ominously-named Third Tunnel of Aggression. That was very cool.

It's one of the secret tunnels the North dug under the Demilitarised Zone. I wasn't on a mission, it's open to the public. The South Koreans discovered it and turned it into a tourist attraction. iI have a glossy brochure.

The tunnel’s about 250ft underground and about a mile long. You can walk most of it. It’s just wide enough for two people to pass each other. You do eventually come to a block wall, to stop you ending up in North Korea. Then you turn round and walk back again. It is more exciting than I’ve made it sound.

What’s the luckiest thing that’s happened to you?

I’ve had a few close scrapes with death. Not only have I not died, I have not even been injured. I guess they were each lucky in their own life-threatening way.

I was once trapped in a burning building and had to be rescued by the fire brigade. I lived in a tiny flat above a bed shop in Nottingham. A fire broke out in the shop and, by the time I smelled smoke, my escape route was cut off. Eventually, I fireman helped me out through a very narrow first-floor window. chargrilled but otherwise unharmed.

I'm actually very calm in hazardous situations. I'm usually slow to realise I'm in any danger. That's probably a blessing.

What’s your proudest achievement?

I’m still alive.

What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I’ve read all the Sherlock Holmes stories many times. I love Victoriana and gothic stuff. Holmes appeals to my coldly rational mind.

What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

I don't know. Do whatever you want, so long as you don't hurt anyone else. Have a multi-faith orgy. Let all the religions of the world come together.

Who's your go-to artist when you can’t decide what to listen to?

Tame Impala. Kevin Parker is a true genius. It's an overused term, but ‘Currents’ genuinely is a masterpiece.

‘Let it Happen’ is my all-time favourite song. I have it tattooed on my arm. It resonates with me like no other song ever has, and touches me in my most intimate of regions.

What's guaranteed to annoy you?

Jeez, so many things. Beneath this mild-mannered exterior I’m a seething ball of barely contained rage. I hate it when people talk over me. So many people now seem to think conversation is a monologue with an audience.

But what really boils my piss is when people say that they're speaking their truth. Not the truth, you understand. No, this is their truth. God, I hate that.

What they really mean, of course, is they're going to give you the benefit of their specious, half-arsed opinion, and then expect you to go along with it because they apparently believe it. Assholes.

What irrational fears or phobias do you have?

I hate spiders, particularly the giant, bird-eating variety that keep invading my home.

I encountered Huntsman spiders when I was in Australia. Ludicrously massive. Vile.

What’s something you will never do again?

Drink tequila.

Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

I don’t have any scars, apart from a chickenpox scar on my fivehead. It tells the story of where my fringe used to be before I went bald.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that turned out pretty well?

I’ve done many dumb things. Not dumb in a way that’s actually cool; just dumb. Poor life choices and romantic entanglements. The usual.

But all my dumb choices have led me here, and now I get to work with my best mate and a group of incredibly talented and lovely people. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Taking the long view, all the dumb things I’ve done have cumulatively turned out pretty well.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

No, that’s more than enough. But I would like to thank everyone that’s helped and supported us so far, especially everyone that’s bought from us. Thank you.

Rave safe. Live long and prosper. Cheerio.

November 2023

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